I just made a mistake. I didn't study hard enough for my exam. I didn't ask my professor for help. I am pretty sure I failed it. Part of me doesn't care...because I know if I work hard enough on the rest of the work for this class I will still be able to pass the class with a C or a low B. But at the same time, I am so angry with myself. Why didn't I try harder? I know I am capable, I know I am smart enough. I am a constant reminder to myself that I am lazy and I don't care enough about myself to try harder.
I will lay my life out on the line for others, but when it comes to myself I could care either way. Hey if I fail no big deal....but I go out of my way to help others not to fail. People are always coming to me for advice or help on something. Why don't I help myself? Why do I care more about others well being than my own? After all, if I cannot succeed in the little things, how I am supposed to help people with the big things in life? Am I a failure? Do I care too much about people?
Jesus said love your neighbor as yourself. Not love your neighbor less than you love yourself, nor even, love your neighbor more than yourself. It is wrong when you don't love people enough, and it is wrong when you love them too much-to the point when it start to affect your well being. So why do I do it? Is it because I want people to like me more? Is it because I really want to see people successful in their day to day lives even if that means my success will suffer? I don't understand why I keep doing this to myself.
I am important. God let his only son die for ME. Shouldn't that be enough for me to want to try and succeed in everything I do? Whether it be washing the dishes or studying for a college exam? I know I am asking a lot of questions, but thats all I have right now....questions and no answers. I just know what I need to work on in my life. I am not sure where to start, but I know it is a direction I need to start pushing myself in. If not for me, then for the sole fact that God thought I was worth it and spared my life from an eternal damnation so I could succeed through Him.