Monday, June 21, 2010

Failure over Success?

I just made a mistake. I didn't study hard enough for my exam. I didn't ask my professor for help. I am pretty sure I failed it. Part of me doesn't care...because I know if I work hard enough on the rest of the work for this class I will still be able to pass the class with a C or a low B. But at the same time, I am so angry with myself. Why didn't I try harder? I know I am capable, I know I am smart enough. I am a constant reminder to myself that I am lazy and I don't care enough about myself to try harder.

I will lay my life out on the line for others, but when it comes to myself I could care either way. Hey if I fail no big deal....but I go out of my way to help others not to fail. People are always coming to me for advice or help on something. Why don't I help myself? Why do I care more about others well being than my own? After all, if I cannot succeed in the little things, how I am supposed to help people with the big things in life? Am I a failure? Do I care too much about people?

Jesus said love your neighbor as yourself. Not love your neighbor less than you love yourself, nor even, love your neighbor more than yourself. It is wrong when you don't love people enough, and it is wrong when you love them too much-to the point when it start to affect your well being. So why do I do it? Is it because I want people to like me more? Is it because I really want to see people successful in their day to day lives even if that means my success will suffer? I don't understand why I keep doing this to myself.

I am important. God let his only son die for ME. Shouldn't that be enough for me to want to try and succeed in everything I do? Whether it be washing the dishes or studying for a college exam? I know I am asking a lot of questions, but thats all I have right now....questions and no answers. I just know what I need to work on in my life. I am not sure where to start, but I know it is a direction I need to start pushing myself in. If not for me, then for the sole fact that God thought I was worth it and spared my life from an eternal damnation so I could succeed through Him.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

I am only one, but still I am one
I cannot do everything, but still I can do something
What I can do, I ought to do
and what I ought to do, by the grace of God I will do.
-Everett Hale

Saturday, June 19, 2010

I would not trade my life for anything.

I am blessed.
I am loved.
I am strong.
I am capable.
I am needed.
I am HIS.

The world keeps on spinning.

A lot of people look at my life and tell me that it seems rather tragic...but at the same time they still wish they had it. I am very blessed to have an amazing family that loves me so much, friends that love calling me to ask for advice or just to hang out, and a husband who is so in love with me, there is nothing I could ever do to change his mind. Love. There is a lot of love in my life. For that I am greatful.

At the same time though, I have seen a lot of death and witnessed such sorrow. I have lived through the pain of 7 deaths. Seven people that I loved and cared about. Most are in heaven, a few I am not sure about. I have been ripped from the comfort of a community and friends I had started to love and moved across the world with my family. I was thrown into an unknown culture and I felt as if I was left to drown there. I've wanted to die. I have wanted people to feel the pain that I have felt.

No matter what happened in my life, the world kept spinning. I kept getting older, and I just grow stronger. I learned to love people in a way most wouldn't understand. I began forgiving people for things most people would never forgive. I am learning to change the world one person at a time. You could probably say I grew up way faster than people normally grow up.

A few weeks ago a dear friend of mine lost her home. Her son was playing with a lighter and set the side of the house on fire. A few things were spared but the house was ruined buy flames and the water that tried to quench it out.
I have much to be thankful for, I have a roof over my head and I have never almost lost everything.

Last year my best friend died from complications to her cancer treatment. We were putting our lives together. I wanted her in my day to day life more than anything. She told me all of her secrets and I told her mine. I have never had a friend like that sense. She left behind parents two sisters and a niece. She is missed everyday.
I have much to be thankful for, I have never lost a sister nor a daughter. I don't know what that kindof pain feels like.

A friend of mine died in a car accident last year. A couple of weeks ago another friend was hit by a bus while he was teaching in Korea. I have survived two serious car accidents. Doctors and state patrols tell me I should be dead. If I didn't die in the crash, I should have died from injuries. God is keeping me alive. I am grateful and I pray every day to seek Gods face and to see where He is leading me. He made me a living miracle.

I know several people who have lost their spouses through the years. They are never the same afterwords. Some remarry, others die a short time later from a broken heart. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.
God has blessed me with a strong and healthy husband. Though he is often goes where his job takes him, he is alive. I praise God for him everyday he is gone risking his life to keep others safe. I take him for granted too much...

Though there are times when it seems it is too hard to hold on, I know God is there. The world keeps spinning, life goes on, people get stronger, and God is always faithful. Be thankful for what you have and for what God has given you.