Last night I watched The Passion of Christ for the first time. I have seen little bits and pieces of the movie before, but I have never watched it all the way through. Though I have read about the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus so many times before, while watching the movie, something else caught my attention. I understand that the movie is Mel Gibson's spin on what happened, but I think he got one thing right-Mary's breaking heart.
Will I be a mother like Mary? Knowing that the whole time I am raising my child that God is going to take that precious baby and use them for great things? All the while knowing those great things will break my heart, and possibly crush my soul? I want God to use my child to do great and marvelous things! I want my child to continue to change people lives during her live as well as long after she is taken home to be with Jesus. No matter how that happens, no matter what that looks like, I want my baby girl to leave an impression on the world that will continually bring people to Christ.
There is a scene during the movie when Jesus was walking with his cross and stumbled to the ground. Mary had a flash back of Jesus when he we little and fell, she went running to him to make sure he was ok. When Jesus stumbled to the ground, Mary did what any mother would do, she ran to him because she wanted to help-knowing all the while that she could not help her son this time. Her son was in pain and nothing she could do would help stop the pain he was feeling-both physical and emotional.
During the movie, a line was said by Mary that struck a personal chord with me, "Flesh of my flesh... Heart of my heart... My son, let me die with you." Two years ago God took a precious friend of mine home to be with him in heaven. When Mary was saying those words, all I could imagine was my friends her mother laying in the hospital bed right next to her as her spirit floated away towards heaven saying those same words.
God used this young woman in so many wonderful ways, and she is STILL making an impact on peoples lives to this day, and I know she will continue to make an impact for years to come. But is that supposed to make everything better? Make all the hurt and pain go away? I am almost positive that after Jesus died Mary wasn't jumping up and down squealing with joy and shouting, "Yay, my baby boy changed the world!" I know she knew that in her heart, but the pain was still there. Knowing that he suffered a great deal before his death. Knowing that some of his closest friends denied him. Knowing that people who just welcomed him with open arms a few days before were now betraying him. How is a mothers heart supposed to feel joy through all that pain?
I feel like some things were meant only for a mothers heart to understand. Though I am almost there... I have not held my baby in my arms. I can only understand on such a minor level... And even then I come no where close to relating to Mary or my friends mother.
Being a mother is a gift God gave to women. God made me a woman, therefore I am made to do this- give birth to precious life and raise the children he has given to me. Sometimes that feels like such a scary road to take, it is definitely not an easy road and I know I can't do it on my own knowing all the fears and failures I will face in the future. I have been blessed with a wonderful husband to help me during the hard times and to comfort me. God has promised to help me every step of the way, and I know I can't do this without him.
All this to say, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I commend the mothers out there who feel like they have been stretched too thin. Which in most cases, you have, but know this, it is ok to feel every emotion. It is ok to cry tears of anger and have moments of laughter right after each other. Why? Because God is good, God is great, and God is perfect. Knowing that we have a perfect God, means you don't have to be. I personally find peace in knowing that.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
I spent the last two years of high school over in Papua New Guinea where my parents served as missionaries for a few years. It seems like recently a lot of PNG mk's and former PNG missionaries are becoming very sentimental about their time on that little island.
The time I spent in PNG changed my life forever. It made me realize that there is a huge need to share the gospel with those who do not know it-or have never held a Bible in their hand-in their OWN language. I am getting more and more excited for the future God has planned for my family and I.
Sometimes it is hard to be patient. I want to go NOW God!! Send me NOW!!! I still have a lot to learn, as far as academic education, and what it means to be a woman of God when it comes to raising a family and supporting a husband. God's timing is perfect, and everything he does happens for a reason. I can take comfort in the fact that I am safe and secure in my Heavenly Fathers arms!
I hope you all enjoy this commercial! It brings back a lot of memories for me.