Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Another first!

Last week baby number two who is now getting close to eight months said her first set of words!  She has been saying dadadada for a while now, but I personal don't think baby babble counts.  Now if she was saying, mamamama, I might have said otherwise!

She was sitting in her high chair wanting to get down, the hubby and I have been lazily trying to teach her baby sign language, mostly because she likes to yell a lot until she gets what she wants... We were hoping it would help her become a little more.. Calm? Peaceful? Quiet??? The hubs and I were both trying to teach her the all done hand signal.  Baby number one picked up on sign language pretty quickly, so we were assuming it would be the same this time, not really paying any attention to the fact that every baby is different!

What she did next shocked us both!  As we were ridiculously trying to get her to mimic our hand signals, she yelled, "ALL DONE!!!!" As loud as she could at the top of her lungs!  Whoa!  I got the point... She needed down right away and couldn't bother with silly grown up games...

All done is a lot different than baby number ones first set of words: I love you!  I am constantly amazed over the fact that these little baby humans that were put in my care are so gosh darn different!  All rules were thrown out the window... We have to start from scratch with each child.  No wonder my brain cannot keep up!

Gods sense of beauty and humor never ceases to amaze me. :)

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Please just take it away...

There are a few things I struggle with in life. I like to think I have things together, or at least, I like to make the rest of the world think so... But today I am sharing a secret.  This is something I am ashamed of, and something that I get so embarrassed about.  Whenever I share this secret with people, I get the same response almost every time... Shock.

I first have to tell you, I am not sharing this for your entertainment, or for a feel good in the end story.  I am sharing this so I can better myself and learn to work through this secret and let go of it once and for all!  For the sake of my sanity.. For the health of my family..

So.. Here is me being vulnerable... Naked and laying out for the whole world to see... Giving complete strangers.. Or those who claim to love me... the option to pull the trigger... 

I yell.  Sometimes I scream. Once in a while I throw things.  I have an anger problem that occasionally gets out of control, to the point that I don't even know how to reel it back in.  I have had this problem most of my life (I went to counseling in 5th grade for my anger!)  Rage is a problem, an awful secret that I have kept.. Forever.  My family has seen it. My husband has experienced it... My poor babies have witnessed it.. (I would like to stick a disclaimer in here about my babies: I know I have a problem, so I have decided from the beginning to never take my anger out on them, or rage against them. With lots of accountability and integrity, I have been keeping true to that promise).

This is a generational curse that has plegged my family for ages and ages!  It stops here and now with me! I will no longer loose control... Because it hurts my family... and it hurts my heart.

Recently, I was away on a mini retreat with a few ladies that are near and dear to my soul.  I have never experienced such sweetness in freedom like I have with these ladies before... God has blessed my heart!  I was talking to one if these precious ladies, and trying to encourage her, when I realized that what I was saying hit me in the face and through me on my comfy behind!  Why?  Because I did not believe that this truth could hold up in my own life!

Here is what I said (or something similar.. I've elaborated a little more the more I've thought about it):

If you do not believe that Jesus can change your attitude, your heart, your soul, then you do not believe that he is sitting on the thrown in heaven above!  He is KING and he wants us to experience the sweetness and tenderness in life through his grace and love!

For example... Let's look at ME.  I have an anger problem.  If I do not believe that Jesus can change my heart and take this awful burden off my shoulders.. Then do I really believe his love and greatness is meant for me???  "Well, that's just the way I am.  I told you I had this problem, so you just have to deal with it."  "I told you I am mean in the mornings, and there isn't anything I can do about it, it's the way I've always been."  "I have road rage and yell at bad drivers, I can't help it, bad driving just brings that side out in me!"  "The more comfortable I get with a person, the ruder I get to them, because that's how I show my love, I'm mean to you..."

We have all been there, and we have all said those things, or similar.  The purpose of Jesus is to change your life, to make you more like HIM!  If you are constantly taking your anger out on those you love because they are the 'closest' to you, then you missed the whole point of becoming more 'Christ like.'

Because I know Jesus sits at the right hand of God in heaven above.. I KNOW I can beat this awful anger problem of mine... Because he promised me I wouldn't have to live in this yucky sin forever-he has already taken it away from me!  It is ME who continues to hold onto it.

Since beginning this long and hard journey.. I have been able to start recognizing what my 'triggers' are, and to catch myself before I explode... Or if I do explode.. I am learning to recover and apologize quickly, not just to the person (aka the poor hubby..) that I am having a horrible moment with, but I am also able to apologize to those who witness me.. (Aka my poor angel faces..).

If you are dealing with this same problem I would encourage you to get help, because this is something that CAN be changed!!  This generational curse of rage that has happened in your family for generations can stop with you!  It is possible to be free of your anger.

Here are a couple of resources that have helped me:
And... Yoga. Yes, yoga has helped.  And... Boxing... Because you need to learn to take aggression out in different ways so you don't take it out on your precious family.. Anger and aggression are real emotions that happen in life.. BUT it is up to YOU with how you handle it.

This is a journey I am still on, and I am glad to finally put it out there, because secrets hurt and bring you down from the inside out.

Thanks for reading through this 'commercial': we are all human, we all make mistakes... But the great part if being human is, we have the option of changing and being covered by the blood of Jesus!  And through him we can be set free for good!

End of commercial.  Have a nice day. :D

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Find a Happy Place.

I wish I had nice things to say about this last week, but I don't.  To be honest, I wish this last week never happened.  A giant column of fire could have fallen from the sky and struck me down, and yet, it still would have been a better week.  Well, maybe I am being slightly dramatic...

Water was leaking from the bathtub up stairs onto my kitchen counters and stove... water was pouring in through the front door during the couple of rain storms we had.... water, water every where!  I had a mean person remind me of my extra large, post baby, body size at the store... I am feeling like a hormonal teenager... but no big deal.  I only had a mental break down last week.

We have all had weeks like that.  Weeks when we are pretty sure that we are going to break and things will never get put back together.  Weeks where you want to sit and eat a pound of chocolate every day... Weeks where you are stuck in a valley and are pretty sure you are going to live there forever...  No good, bad, awful, terrible weeks.

Before I knew it another week started and I was still full of stress and anxiety... and there is still a hole in my kitchen ceiling.. which smelled.. and was full of mold... until a wonderful friend came and treated it.  (Thank you friend!)

But, you know how God is, he likes to bless people... even in the midst of our 'suffering.'  This morning my husband ended up having the day off of work.. I don't know about you, but whenever my husband has a surprise day off of work, that is always a good day in my book. ;)

We decided to sneak out this morning and do some hiking and exploring around the agricultural center.  I finally had my 'break' from last week... I was reminded again, that no matter how bad things get, I have still been blessed with three of the biggest blessings in the world: my husband, and two angel faced daughters.  That alone triumphs anything that is no good, bad, awful, and terrible.  I had lost sight of the wonderful and the good.. I could only focus on the bad...

I love my lil' fam-bam, and I love how they can make any place a happy place..

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Sometimes it rains.

This morning my little family and I were headed out the door to go on a hike, when suddenly out of nowhere, water started falling out of the sky. Hard. like someone just knocked over a bucket full of water on accident.  I was looking forward to today all week, so yes, I was disappointed, and so was the hubby.  There was no way I was going to let that toppled, over flowing bucket, falling from the sky ruin my family day.  So we decided to do a couple of things I have been wanting to do for a while...

We made play dough.. purple play dough.  I don't know if my rowdy little toddler has ever played with play dough before.. at least not to my forever fading memory... and I have always wanted to make it... at least I have been wanting to make it for the last year... we all sat in the middle of the kitchen floor making snakes and hand prints for two hours straight.  Though, I am pretty sure my nearly 30 yr old hubby had way more fun than my two year old.  Isn't that why most men have kids? So they can have play time too?  I don't know about you, but I am all about the nap time..

After mommy got tiered of cleaning up play dough messes, the hubby set up the play tent in the living room while I made paleo style pumpkin pancakes.  Probably not my favorite recipe, but they were still good.  For another two hours the house was full of loud giggles and random tickle fights.  We all huddled in the miniature sized tent and stayed in as long as we could stand it. (Well, until nap time, which has its own time slot in our house, for very good reasons of course..)

Today made me remember how precious life is, and how forgiving a family can be.  We as mommies are way too hard on ourselves.  We struggle with trying to be perfect.  The laundry has to be done on time, dishes have to be cleaned, dinner has to be healthy with plenty of green food, you have to be fit, or 'thin' for your own self esteem, we get mad if we accidentally yelled too much one day (mostly due to lack of sleep)...Which all of those things are great things to strive for and to accomplish... BUT.. if a day goes by (or several days) and something doesn't get done... or the husband has to eat left overs in the fridge instead of coming home to a hot meal... FORGIVE yourself...

We need to spend more time loving those that need it most.. and less time worrying about making everything around us perfect.  Life isn't perfect.. You can't control the rain, but time spent with those most precious to you.. now that's perfect.. ;)

I don't ever want a day to go by where I let the rain ruin what is most important to me: the angel faces I live with... so take a break, and go spend time with those you love the most!

Monday, August 26, 2013

Oh Motherhood.

It has, yet again, been a long time since I have blogged.  I now have two babies: a rowdy two year old, and a needy 4 month old.  I never understood before why my own mother always seemed to be off her rocker by just a bit...or a by a mile...  I get it.  Never again will I think that she is completely nuts.  Well.. maybe just a little crazy, but I understand why now.

Mothers across the world are delusional from lack of sleep, from lack of grown up contact on a day to day basis, from lack of intellectual stimulation because you have to sing songs like ba ba black sheep, and old McDonald fifty-ca-trillion times in a row... 

Drivers beware, at any moment you could be driving next to a mother who is functioning on only 4 or less hours of sleep!  (I am pretty sure this is why women drivers get a bad rap)  If you see a disheveled mother who is walking around with only make up on one of her eyes because she forgot to do the other eye... don't judge!  Buy her a coffee and tell her she is doing a good job!

I can't remember the last time it was when I felt pretty, or thin and lean, or even healthy!  I cannot remember the last time I have slept through the night.. because it seems like every time baby number two sleeps through the night.. baby number one has a nightmare.  I don't even remmeber if I brushed my teeth this morning??  And I just remembered that I didn't eat breakfast.  Everyone else is taken care of: the husband made it out  the door to work on time, the girls are fed and dressed.. everyone is happy.. for this one moment...

I live in yoga pants because none of my pre-pregnancy clothes fit... If I were to be completely honest.. none of my pre-marriage clothes fit!!  I gave up on ever fitting in a size 8 again and just threw those away.. If I make it out of my nursing tank and into a real bra on any given day, that is a real accomplishment for me! 

I have a hard time keeping the house clean: I have ADD which makes it really hard to stay focused on any one task at any given time... so throw in two little human beings that can go bazurk at any given moment... you get the idea..  My one goal every day is to make dinner.  If I can get dinner made, I feel slightly more accomplished!

I have learned that a poop explosion is more stressful than the stock market crashing.  I have learned that screaming babies in public are more embarrassing than someones pants falling off in an auditorium full of thousands of people and having it broadcast to the world.  I have learned that I am the BOSS!! Not my bossy two year old.

BUT I have also learned... that hearing the words, "Mommy I love you" are some of the most precious words I will ever hear in the world.. sloppy toddler kisses and baby cuddles make any awful day worth it...  Seeing my toddler hug and love on her little sister make all the stressful moments and worrying if they will ever get along go away...

Feeling two little hands grab onto either side of my face and say, "Mommy, good job!" makes the day go a little smoother!  The messes are not that big of a deal... the mound of laundry no longer makes my hair fall out.. the dishes in the sink can wait again for another day...  If my toddler thinks I am doing a good job.. who am I to tell her otherwise?

All this to say.. mommies of the world, You are doing a good job, and you are not alone!  Don't let life stress you out, and hold on tight to the precious little moments that make your heart melt....  I thank God (though not nearly enough) that he has blessed me with the responsibility of raising these two angel faced girls... I wouldn't have it any other way.. Except maybe having a little more accesability to some chocolate every now and again :)

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Sometimes I am a slacker.

I love the idea of having a blog and writing in it every week.  I love the idea of having hundreds of followers who's lives I can touch.  The truth is, I am  a slacker.  I love to write but I don't do it.  I feel like I never have time!  Life keeps on getting more and more busy.. especially with baby #2 on the way!

One thing I am learning though: No matter how busy life gets, no matter how many babies you have, or how many appointments with others you need to keep, if you do not set aside some time for YOU and do things YOU love, life will quickly become depressing and meaningless.

You...me...I have been given gifts and talents, hobbies and likes.  Some are meant to help others, some are meant for my pure pleasure.  I need to remember to work on some hobbies every once in a while to keep my sanity!  Recently, I have been 're-learning' hobbies that I once loved, and re-finding my adventurous side.

Being a mommy has been amazing, and I would not trade it for anything!  I would have never have guessed that this new role in my life would be so fulfilling.  I love taking care of my family!  (Now, if you knew me several years ago, you would know that I was singing a totally different song then!)  God definitely has a sense of humor... I thought I would find joy and be happy doing something else with my life... But God drug me kicking and screaming until I arrived at this wonderful new place!  He has firmly said, I told you so, patted me on the head, and gave me a push in the right direction.

Wonderful family.  Check.
New found mommy love.  Check.
Fun hobby and alone time to retain sanity.  Checkity-check!!

Here is a recent family photo: I am 28 weeks pregnant!  My precious little girl is now 20 months!