Sunday, December 1, 2013

Please just take it away...

There are a few things I struggle with in life. I like to think I have things together, or at least, I like to make the rest of the world think so... But today I am sharing a secret.  This is something I am ashamed of, and something that I get so embarrassed about.  Whenever I share this secret with people, I get the same response almost every time... Shock.

I first have to tell you, I am not sharing this for your entertainment, or for a feel good in the end story.  I am sharing this so I can better myself and learn to work through this secret and let go of it once and for all!  For the sake of my sanity.. For the health of my family..

So.. Here is me being vulnerable... Naked and laying out for the whole world to see... Giving complete strangers.. Or those who claim to love me... the option to pull the trigger... 

I yell.  Sometimes I scream. Once in a while I throw things.  I have an anger problem that occasionally gets out of control, to the point that I don't even know how to reel it back in.  I have had this problem most of my life (I went to counseling in 5th grade for my anger!)  Rage is a problem, an awful secret that I have kept.. Forever.  My family has seen it. My husband has experienced it... My poor babies have witnessed it.. (I would like to stick a disclaimer in here about my babies: I know I have a problem, so I have decided from the beginning to never take my anger out on them, or rage against them. With lots of accountability and integrity, I have been keeping true to that promise).

This is a generational curse that has plegged my family for ages and ages!  It stops here and now with me! I will no longer loose control... Because it hurts my family... and it hurts my heart.

Recently, I was away on a mini retreat with a few ladies that are near and dear to my soul.  I have never experienced such sweetness in freedom like I have with these ladies before... God has blessed my heart!  I was talking to one if these precious ladies, and trying to encourage her, when I realized that what I was saying hit me in the face and through me on my comfy behind!  Why?  Because I did not believe that this truth could hold up in my own life!

Here is what I said (or something similar.. I've elaborated a little more the more I've thought about it):

If you do not believe that Jesus can change your attitude, your heart, your soul, then you do not believe that he is sitting on the thrown in heaven above!  He is KING and he wants us to experience the sweetness and tenderness in life through his grace and love!

For example... Let's look at ME.  I have an anger problem.  If I do not believe that Jesus can change my heart and take this awful burden off my shoulders.. Then do I really believe his love and greatness is meant for me???  "Well, that's just the way I am.  I told you I had this problem, so you just have to deal with it."  "I told you I am mean in the mornings, and there isn't anything I can do about it, it's the way I've always been."  "I have road rage and yell at bad drivers, I can't help it, bad driving just brings that side out in me!"  "The more comfortable I get with a person, the ruder I get to them, because that's how I show my love, I'm mean to you..."

We have all been there, and we have all said those things, or similar.  The purpose of Jesus is to change your life, to make you more like HIM!  If you are constantly taking your anger out on those you love because they are the 'closest' to you, then you missed the whole point of becoming more 'Christ like.'

Because I know Jesus sits at the right hand of God in heaven above.. I KNOW I can beat this awful anger problem of mine... Because he promised me I wouldn't have to live in this yucky sin forever-he has already taken it away from me!  It is ME who continues to hold onto it.

Since beginning this long and hard journey.. I have been able to start recognizing what my 'triggers' are, and to catch myself before I explode... Or if I do explode.. I am learning to recover and apologize quickly, not just to the person (aka the poor hubby..) that I am having a horrible moment with, but I am also able to apologize to those who witness me.. (Aka my poor angel faces..).

If you are dealing with this same problem I would encourage you to get help, because this is something that CAN be changed!!  This generational curse of rage that has happened in your family for generations can stop with you!  It is possible to be free of your anger.

Here are a couple of resources that have helped me:
http://theorangerhino.com
http://www.handsfreemama.com
And... Yoga. Yes, yoga has helped.  And... Boxing... Because you need to learn to take aggression out in different ways so you don't take it out on your precious family.. Anger and aggression are real emotions that happen in life.. BUT it is up to YOU with how you handle it.

This is a journey I am still on, and I am glad to finally put it out there, because secrets hurt and bring you down from the inside out.

Thanks for reading through this 'commercial': we are all human, we all make mistakes... But the great part if being human is, we have the option of changing and being covered by the blood of Jesus!  And through him we can be set free for good!

End of commercial.  Have a nice day. :D


2 comments:

  1. Thank you for being vulnerable, sweet girl. Praying for you in this journey!

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  2. well then,
    when my girl was little, i was that way to. I did not throw things but i could get so upset.
    I decided that i needed help and Jesus... his blood covered it and He has helped me out of if. He will help you as well.
    love you, sheila dear. a of k

    ReplyDelete